Sunday, March 28, 2010

Time to Bleach the Little White Ones

Tonight I sat across the table from my sons at a chain steakhouse where you throw peanuts on the floor and the waiters break out into line dancing every half-hour. As I was looking at my first grader's toothless smile, I suddenly remembered a flood of bull I had been fed when I was his age. Mind you, I still feed the bull myself. I've got a stash of Easter basket goodies waiting in the closet, and I slip crisp dollar bills under pillows when teeth fall out (although having a 13-year-old roll over at 1 a.m., catch me in the act and saying “Thanks, Mom” kind of takes the wind out of your sails). I may go along with some of the same lines I was fed as a kid. But tonight I feel the need to break some rules and set some records straight. Don't worry, I'm not going to throw the Bunny, the Fairy and the bulemic man in red under the bus. But a few “truths” I was told as a child definitely should be flattened and treadmarked. Such as:

Eat your crust, it will make your hair nice and curly.

You know, I fell for this for years. Until it dawned on me that the grandmother spewing it got her hair permed every few months. Those curls were chemical, not crustical. Despite years of crusts, my hair is still brookstick straight. Only now it's also thinning and I'm bread intolerant. Thanks, Grandma. Thanks a lot.

Never EVER talk to strangers.

Unless, of course, you go into journalism, marketing or PR. Then go after them with a vengeance. Seek out strangers. Grab them on the street. Ask for their emails, Twitter names, Facebook accounts, Linked In connections... The more strangers you talk to the better.

It's what's on the inside that counts.

Yes, that's true...IF everyone you know is deep and thoughtful. But line up any company's top sales reps and I guarantee the hotties made more this year. And forget about dating in any major city if you're not a size 2 and either blond or 26. So put down the fork and hit the gym, and crawl into bed at night trying to NOT think about how old you are.
(Where's my corkscrew?)

Women are just as good as men.

COMPLETELY true. In fact, it's most often an
understatement! We just happen to get paid less and are expected to do twice as much for the privilege.

Clear your plate, it'll help the starving children in China.

Now, what one thing had to do with the other still perplexes me. Why would my eating overboiled French-cut green beans and well-done lamb help the impoverished youth of Asia? And would they even want this stuff? I mean, those beans literally pushed the definition of a “solid” to its limits. So you can blame my weight problem on my misguided youthful attempt at making the world a better place.

Be patient! Good things come to those who wait.

BULLSHIT. Good things come to those who pursue them vigorously.

You'll go blind doing that!

Nonsense. It's perfect natural. Now, where are my reading glasses?

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