The Midas Touch?

Saudi Arabia. A country where it's illegal for women to drive a car or be unaccompanied in the presence of unrelated men. Where a woman's testimony is considered less than that of a man. Where women can be arrested for being raped, can be divorced without cause and can lose their children to their husband without merit. One of the more progressive countries in the Middle East.

But fear not, bleeding hearts. There is hope for that nation's most oppressed:
Billionaire business men with very small penises.

Yes, thanks to Canadian know-how, help is on the way for the most poorly endowed men of means. Montreal's X4 Labs is creating a one-of-a-kind, 18-karat, diamond and ruby encrusted "male enhancement device" for one of Saudi Arabia's wealthiest businessmen. At a cost of $35,000. The company is ecstatic about the possible new market for their dingaling bling.

"Whether it be dictators, politicians, oil rich middle easterners, or successful businessmen, they are willing to pay good money to spoil themselves," said product coordinator Matt West.

"Dictators." Yes, you may all giggle.

What exactly will the poor, rich little man do with this $35,000 golden bejeweled contraption? Remember "The Rack" from the Spanish Inquisition? Think that, but much smaller. And glitzy. He will literally and willingly have his dick in a vise. Nice. There are a few men I'd like to send one of these gizmos to, mostly from Fox News. But I don't think X4 can make them that small. Ann Coulter however uses hers regularly, and with great success.

So here's to the ill-equipped Middle Eastern elite. I don't begrudge you your new Willie Wonkanator. It's nice to know that as Americans suffer through these tough times, men like you have found a way to s-t-r-e-t-c-h your wealth. Just remember...when the discretely wrapped package arrives from Canada, your wife will be arrested should you send her to pick it up for you. But you can always get another wife.

"Now available with more bling!"