Sunday, July 25, 2010

Versus Verses

  • When a man says “I’m going to bed,” he takes off his pants, (if they already haven't been off for the past three hours), turns off the light, gets into bed and falls asleep. When a woman says “I’m going to bed,” she rotates the laundry cycle, checks on the kids, makes her “to do list” for the next day, checks her emails, pays the mortgage online, washes off her makeup, gets undressed, turns off the light, gets into bed, turns the light back on, takes the medicine she forgot, turns the light back off, gets into bed, and lies there for two hours wide awake.

  • When a man says “Nothing’s wrong,” he actually means: “Nothing is wrong, why are you asking?” When a woman says “Nothing’s wrong,” She actually means: “I am so pissed off right now, and your not knowing why is half the reason I’m pissed, so you’d better figure it out for yourself because I’m not going to tell you and if you don’t figure it out soon, be prepared for no sex for a while.”

  • When a man says “I’ll be home at 6,” he actually means: “I will be home sometime between 6 and 7:30.” When a woman says “I’ll be home at 6,” she actually means: “I’ll be home between 5:58 and 6:02.”

  • When a man says “She seemed very nice,” he either actually means: “She seemed very nice” or “Oh my god, that was the best rack I’ve seen in AGES.” When a woman says “She seemed very nice,” she either actually means “I could take her or leave her” OR “Oh my god, those were SO fake! And I SAW you looking!”

  • When a man says "I bought you a present. I hope it fits," he actually means: "It may be too small because I know if I accidentally bought one too large, you'd get depressed and accuse me of thinking you're fat." When a woman says "I bought you a present, I hope it fits," she actually means : nothing. No woman has ever said that sentence. We know every size of every member of both sides of the family.

  • When a man says "That guy's really good looking, don't you think?" he actually means: nothing. No (straight) man has ever said that sentence. When a woman says "That guy's really good looking, don't you think?" she actually means: "I think you should eat more salads, dear."

  • When a man says "I'll be ready to go in five minutes," he actually means "I'll be ready to go in five minutes. I may not remember where we're going, how to get there, or to be dressed appropriately, but I'll be ready." When a woman says "I'll be ready to go in five minutes," she actually means "You may as well turn on the television and make yourself a snack."

  • When a man says “That woman’s beautiful, don’t you think?” he actually means: “I am a very brave and possibly quite stupid man who is willing to take my life into my own hands by pointing a woman I find attractive out to you.” When a woman says “That woman’s beautiful, don’t you think?” she actually means: “That woman’s beautiful. I’m feeling frumpy. I’m subliminally asking you to tell me you find me attractive. You get one shot at answering correctly. If you fail, please refer to the consequences of example #2.

Feel free to add your own below.

"Nothing’s wrong."


Christina said...

Love it Suze!

Christina said...

Love it Suze!

Anonymous said...

Regarding your 2nd comment, if you don't tell someone why you're pissed, and expect your husband to figure it out on his own you don't deserve an apology or to have the situation rectified.

Suzanne said...

Dear "Anonymous" ~
I approved your comment so that it appears here. Didn't have to, but thought it was worth discussion. The entry was about men and women in GENERAL, not me and my husband in particular. For instance, I'm the most punctual person on the planet. "I'll be ready in five minutes" means "I'm already ready and waiting in the car." My husband reads my blog and found the entry that you find objectionable funny. This is a HUMOR blog. I suggest you try finding a sense of one.

Un-anonymously yours,