Thursday, December 17, 2009

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out!...Attaboy Clarence...I Always Wanted a Yo-Yo!...Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!

Between being sick, being away and simply being a procrastinator, this year I’ve somehow put off a lot of the Christmas things that I normally would have tackled by now.
  • Shopping: I only started yesterday and had a panic attack at Toys R Us when I realized I’m screwed.
  • Baking: Nada. Not a single cookie in the house. One year by this time I had baked 1,000. Santa will be lucky if he gets an stale Oreo. My grandmother is turning over in her urn.
  • Cards: “Merry Christmas everyone!” That’s your card this year from the Stanleys.
I have yet to even watch a single holiday special on television. I missed the Big Kahuna, "A Charlie Brown Christmas." Yeah, I own it on tape, but that’s somehow not the same. So last night I went online and found all of the shows that still remain to be seen. There is a TON that is either absolute treacle or inanely stupid. But I’m making sure to catch some of these below. You should too, and I’ll tell you why.

“Frosty The Snowman,”
Friday, Dec. 18 at 8 on CBS
We showed this to our preschool class the other day as a treat. The kids loved it, but we teachers had a couple of questions: Didn’t Suzy’s parents notice that she was missing all of Christmas eve while she holed up in a boxcar with a rabbit and a snowstranger? Did they put out an Amber Alert? And why the hell did Santa drop her off on her roof and then just take off? It was a three-story house! How the heck did Suzy get down? Incredibly dangerous, Kringle.We want answers.

"Eight Crazy Nights,"
Friday, Dec. 18 at 10 p.m. on MTV
Adam Sandler’s animated Hanukkah movie. I’m recommending this because my friend Kara was the supervising producer. I can think of absolutely no other reason. None. Es tut mir bahng.

“A Very Brady Christmas,”
Tuesday, Dec 22 at 1:00 p.m. on ABC-FAM
Just because it’s so nauseatingly Brady that you have to watch it once every five years. Plus, you can make fun of the replacement Bradys. I mean, come on Susan Olsen! Like you had much else to do that month!

Tuesday, Dec. 22 at 9 p.m. on ABC
I know it’s not a "special." But it’s their holiday episode. And my friend Gavin Heaney, yes…here comes the plug…Latch Key Kid…is having his song “This World Keeps Turning” featured during the closing scene. This is huge. Important to me. Watch it. Friends and relatives will be tested Wednesday morning to find out which of you didn’t. Christmas presents will be adjusted accordingly~I’ve saved my receipts. Here’s a link to him rehearsing the song. Yes, this is also required viewing and will be on the test.

“The Polar Express,”
Wednesday, Dec. 23 at 10 p.m. on ABC-FAM
For Tom Hanks.

"11th Annual “A Home for the Holidays,”
Wednesday, Dec. 23 at 8:30 p.m. on CBS
A huge concert spectacular shot during my recent visit to LA and edited by my genius brother-in-law Conrad Stanley. Plus, you can find his wife and kids in the audience. (I can't get it to embed properly, but you can check it out here

“Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town,”
Thursday, Dec. 24 at 8 p.m. on ABC-FAM
Because it’s the only time all year you’ll hear the word “Burgomaster.” (Yes, I spell checked it!)

“It's a Wonderful Life,”
Thursday, Dec. 24th at 8 p.m. on NBC
Now this one I’m just putting in for my husband, who loves this movie and complains that he can’t enjoy watching it anymore because he knows I hate it, and he can’t believe he married a Wonderful Life hater. Why do I hate it? Because the cynic in me can’t help but project the storyline beyond “The End.” I keep picturing the next day, when someone sobers up and gets around to asking “Hey, why did George need all that money after all?” By then the holiday spirit would have passed, someone would have gotten pissed, and Potter will have gotten away with it all. I would have preferred an ending where Potter gets hit by a trolly and they find George’s drunken uncle’s deposit slip in his pocket. But that’s just me.

“A Christmas Story,”
for a solid 24 hours beginning 8 p.m. Dec. 24 on TBS
Because this is the greatest Christmas movie of all time. If you don’t agree I don’t want to know about it because it will be the end of our friendship. Jean Shepherd for Pete’s sake. And being a complete loon for all things 40s, this one just does it for me. I can quote 80% of it. I own the radio and the chrome bowling ball decanter set and half the kitchen props. Yes, Melinda Dillon’s hair is completely inappropriate for the 40s. I’ll give you that ONE complaint. Other than that, I don’t want to hear a word. Fuuudddgge.

“Miracle on 34th Street,”
Friday, Dec. 25 at 3:30 p.m. on ABC-FAM
For Natalie Wood. And Maureen O’Hara. And John Payne. And Edmund Gwenn. And William Frawley! Come on, it has Fred Mertz in it! It’s just the most perfectly cast holiday movie ever.


Unknown said...

Humbug, you didn't mention "The Bishop's Wife." That's MY favorite!

Suzanne said...

Also didn't mention "Scrooge" with Alastair Simm. Or "Scrooged" with Bill Murray. Or....